On Learning and Building Personal Boundaries
In 2015, I moved to New York City from Massachusetts for a long-term relationship that began in college. I thought the move meant marriage and the start of a new life. It was the start of a new life in many ways for me, but marriage was certainty not part of it. I discovered he had a gambling addiction and was not willing to take the necessary steps to remedy it. I made the best decision for myself and my future to leave him. It was from then on that I realized that pain was a recipe for self-analysis and growth.
Since then I have not yet found myself in a monogamous relationship. I have made all the mistakes and dated every type of guy under the sun. I chased after guys who clearly were not into me, used me for sex, emotionally manipulated me, bored me, liked me way more than I liked them, and vice versa. I agonized over a guy for a year who told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship within the first month of us dating.. I didn’t want to be alone but ended up feeling lonelier than ever.
What have I gained from all of this? A lot of heartbreak and some trauma, arguably. But most importantly, I have gained boundaries. I gained a sense of understanding of myself, patterns, how I relate to others, and how I allow others to treat me.
The more I got hurt, the more I used it as an opportunity to examine my fears. Because I fear abandonment, I often felt alone in romantic relationships because I couldn’t authentically connect and share my emotional needs. I used to fear (and still do to a degree) that asking for what I needed was associated with loss. Even when I kept my needs quiet, they left anyway.
If I ask for what I need and it turns someone away, then they are not for me. Period. I know sooner. I am not invested. I am disappointed, sure, but I am not broken and questioning myself worth. I am, in fact, sitting in my self-worth. Expressing your desires and vulnerability allows you to surround yourself with people who actually give a shit about you and not people that you have to beg or alter yourself to stay. Relationships should be symbiotic, reciprocal, and comforting.
I still have not found that monogamous, committed partnership I wish for. I don’t know if ever will and I don’t deny that I will experience heartbreak again. One thing I do know is that creating personal boundaries has already made the relationships in my life higher quality and satisfying. Though difficult in the moment, having boundaries has already saved me pain and instead brought more peace..
There is a Japanese artform called Kintsugi, where they repair broken items with gold.. I don’t need to fill in the broken pieces, but to embrace them and fill them with gold. I am starting to accept how beautiful and worthy I already am, uncensored and authentic.
