On Impostor Syndrome
I think of impostor syndrome as the feeling of detachment between the doing and the being. You just started a new job, program, or hobby. You’re in this learning curve. It’s still a concept that you haven’t fully applied. Essentially, you are in the doing but have not yet fully integrated the being.
There is no time frame for how long it is between the doing and being. For me, sometimes I can become something rather quickly. I embraced my motherly instincts immediately when I adopted a kitten. I realized I was a natural athlete, so I easily immersed myself in college track and field. When it came to my profession or academia, it was a different story. I don’t think I really felt like a nurse until after three years working. I didn’t feel like a competent graduate student until the final semester before I graduated.
What prompted this piece was that I was reflecting back on why a DJ mix I was working on for a feature felt so arduous. It’s exciting and humbling to be asked to do a feature. However, I felt stressed and tense. I couldn’t get it right. I kept trying to curate a certain vibe but the whole thing just felt stale and forced. And when I sat down to write a bio, coining myself as a DJ didn’t seem right. I need more years and practice before I can say that. I questioned my ability. The thoughts of, ‘Who do I think I am? I have only been doing this for two years. I need more practice. People will notice how novice you are.’
And honestly, maybe they will.
Because the mixes I record are an expression of me and the skills I have in this moment, it feels scary to share something that people might not like or judge harshly. It’s not a great feeling for someone to criticize something you worked hard on. It’s like saying, ‘Here, this came from my feelings. I hope you like it.’ There’s a chance they won’t. That hurts the ego. It brings the impostor.
It’s uncomfortable and vulnerable to be bad at something. The impostor is the ego that protects you from that vulnerability. It says, ‘don’t create, don’t try that thing, don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable position where you might fail. It’s better off to give up and stay safe so you aren’t pained with criticism and failure.’
I asked myself why I was doing this in the first place. Why was I so scared of being bad? I DJ because the music and the people touch my soul. So, I channeled my inner raver, the listener, and thought ‘what would make people vibe out, what makes ME vibe out?’ When I dropped the pressure and fear and actually immersed myself in the purpose and inspiration of what I was creating, the impostor went away. Only then, was I able to record something I liked.
When our work is an authentic expression of who we are and our development in this moment, who gives a fuck who doesn’t like it? Our egos are so scared of failure and judgement, so the impostor tries to protect us from that pain. What it really only protects us from is growth and living. Sometimes we need to accept that we will suck for a while we put in the hours. Once you get over the discomfort of being bad at something and connect to the purpose and goal, it fizzles away. All of sudden you enter the being from the doing.
I urge you to try the thing you want to, to share your ‘mediocre’ work, and put yourself out there. Creativity and expression are greater gifts than your fear.
