On Abandoment
I use the You Are Important Project as a way to make meaning and peace with existence. This is a vulnerable piece, but I do hope that my experiences can resonate with you or provide an insight into your own patterns or emotions.
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When I last wrote about my personal situation, I was beginning to go through an uncomfortable awakening. I thought to myself, look at all these things I have accomplished and all of these things I have. Instead of pride, I felt numbness and apathy. Regardless of all of this, I was abandoned again.
I used to keep my needs quiet as a way to keep people from leaving me. After a string of painful betrayals years ago, I learned keeping quiet wasn’t the answer. Fast forward to present day, I confidently advocate for my needs, however, it still hasn’t changed this recurring feeling.
I believe I held (and still hold) on to the outward accomplishments to cover up the deep feeling of abandonment I have from my childhood and romantic relationships. The ending of my romantic endeavors still leave me feeling restless and abandoned, and the normal outlets I use to channel that pain are not working anymore.
The first inkling that something wasn’t quite right is when I got into doctorate school, but I didn’t feel a rush of excitement and passion. I blamed it on the break up. I went along with it for a month or two before I started to feel dread.
I was studying for a personal trainer certification for a research study I work on. I thought it would be easy because of my educational and professional background. I was wrong! I felt a constant burrow of stress and anxiety and I relied on unhealthy habits to get through. When I finished the certification, I felt a fleeting sense of relief, followed by exhaustion.
I thought to myself, “I can’t possibly do this again in a few months.” My mental and physical health are already suffering. I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or exercising (ironically, while studying for a personal trainer exam) enough. I am at the lowest weight I have been at in years with dwindling physical fitness.
My professional and academic obligations and commitments were competing with the things that make me feel good and present in the world. So, I made the difficult but authentic decision to defer my entrance in the doctorate program. My mental and physical health depend on it.
I heard a quote along the lines of recently,
“If you don’t listen to your mind and body and take a break, it will do it for you. And it probably won’t be at a convenient time.”
When you’re feeling like absolute shit and don’t know how to begin, start with your body, your “foundation”.
Sleep, eat healthy, and exercise. The fundamentals. Do the things you want to do just for joy, the things that inspire you and bring you passion.
If I go to school this fall (it would have started this week!), I won’t have time to tend to my foundation. I can’t lose my foundation, I will crumble. I hear a voice deep within: this is not the time to do more.
My abandonment wounds run deep. I use perfection, accomplishment, and not being needy as a defensive mechanism. If I look good, don’t make a fuss, and play well, then people will stay.
Something I keep learning over and over is that none of these things matter. Only your boundaries do.
I don’t feel good.
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I once referred to my 30’s as the time for the seeds I planted in my 20’s to blossom. Blog linked here.
So, instead of going to school, it’s time to tend to my foundation, my garden. Sometimes the seeds you plant need patience and time to grow.
It’s time to look at the ways I perpetuate this feeling of abandonment. How do I find situations that speak to this unconscious storyline I have harborded since my childhood?
Stress and anxiety are not sustainable states to live in. This is why I started this blog series. I have been in this state for a long time, a cycle of working and reaching and achieving-- and subsequently feeling burnt out to cultivate a sense of worth and avoid abandonment.
Now that I am working on creating more space in my life, I hope to write more over the coming months. If I am quiet, you’ll know why. I’ll come out on the other side with a fresh perspective and passion. I can feel it underneath this pain.
